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JOKES THREAD

Off Topic, Jokes, anything goes.

Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:10 •  [Post 26]

more like this on the site
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:12 •  [Post 27]

1659 SHAVE FIRST.jpg
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:13 •  [Post 28]

1035 Hard on 1.jpg
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:14 •  [Post 29]

1394 Poseing Katoy 1.jpg
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:15 •  [Post 30]

just a wee taster of what's on the site :rofl:
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:17 •  [Post 31]

I'm as bored as an armless guy watching porn.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:18 •  [Post 32]

BBC NEWS: "Germans voted the 'Least funny' Nation."

As a German Citizen I find this story misleading, and slanderous. Why, it was only yesterday that my Wife and I were shopping in our local Aldi. Feeling rather giddy, we decided to play the old 'swap the items in somebodies shopping trolley' practical joke. Oh how we laughed to ourselves when the young lady in front of us put a carton of Medium sized eggs onto the belt, instead of the carton of Small originally in there.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:19 •  [Post 33]

Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:20 •  [Post 34]

Microwave cooking instructions for Aldi Fish Steaks in Parsley Sauce:
Place bag flat side down on a microwaveable plate.
Pierce several small holes in the top surface of the bag.
Cook on full power for 3 minutes, or until your kitchen develops the aroma of a prostitute's piss sodden, veneral disease ridden cunt.
Let stand for 1 minute.
Serve.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:22 •  [Post 35]

Nicolas Anelka recently said "Scoring goals helps keep me young"


Asked if it does the same for him, Emile Heskey felt it wasn't his area of expertise and declined to comment
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:23 •  [Post 36]

Fair play to Joe Hart. The lad's really spearheading the FA's fight against FIFA by boycotting the match ball.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:23 •  [Post 37]

England have often aspired to play like Brazil. Joe Hart's impressions of Heurelho Gomes certainly help.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 08 Jun 2011, 00:24 •  [Post 38]

A NATO strike has killed Gaddafis 3 grand children, all under 12.

Even Josef Fritzl thinks it was a bit out of order.

"They should have been in the basement" he said.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby onetruesaxon » 08 Jun 2011, 02:55 •  [Post 39]

I took a trip to Blackpool today and cane home with a brand new camera that's not even available in the UK yet. I bumped into some Japanese tourists and they wanted me to take a picture, so I pointed the camera at them and said wave. They all fucked of sharpish, :rofl: :rofl:
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby Jake » 08 Jun 2011, 03:43 •  [Post 40]

:!: :rofl:
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 13 Jun 2011, 01:05 •  [Post 41]

"Great boobs! Shapely legs! And that's just the men."
Welcome to Thailand.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 13 Jun 2011, 01:05 •  [Post 42]

When I went to Thailand I wasn't fooled, I always checked for an Adam's apple.

That way I knew I was getting some cock.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby pandemonium » 13 Jun 2011, 01:09 •  [Post 43]

BBC News: Stoner surges to Silverstone win.

And people say weed is bad for you.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby aprevans » 27 Sep 2011, 04:14 •  [Post 44]

A male fairy tale and a boys bedtime story.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “No!!!”


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fucking cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up every time he pissed.


The end.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby Jake » 27 Sep 2011, 12:55 •  [Post 45]

Amen to that!
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby aprevans » 28 Sep 2011, 09:36 •  [Post 46]

I asked my mate when is it ok to have sex with girls. He told me it was legal when they leave school. Apparently 3.30 p.m isn't what he meant



Little Johnny asks for a TV in his room and his Dad, reluctantly, agrees. The next day, Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, whats love juice?"
Hid dad looks horrified, but tells little Johnny all about sex.
The poor lad just sits there, mouth wide open in amazement, until Dad asks, "So what were you watching?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."



I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.



Just got back from my work's staff Xmas do. Lots of good music, they played 'jump' and I jumped.. they played 'the twist' and I twisted, then they played 'Come on Eileen' I was ushured from the building by the police..



People say masturbation doesn't get you anywhere. On the contrary, it got me banned from the swimming pool!!!!!



Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid? Just ran into him and he says hi.



Thankfully the guy who got eaten by a shark in the Seychelles really didn't suffer too much. He was only married for 10 days...
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby aprevans » 28 Sep 2011, 09:38 •  [Post 47]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny - spooky or what?

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better, so I thought ,"Fuck it, I'll soldier on"..!


I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby aprevans » 01 Oct 2011, 00:42 •  [Post 48]

I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.

What bollocks! I've looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.
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Re: JOKES THREAD

Postby Jake » 01 Oct 2011, 17:31 •  [Post 49]

LOL.
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